Vs Accountants

The comeback game. Not completely because of injury, but also due to my holiday. But it was still over a month since my last game.

It could have gone horribly wrong, and when I fielded, it often did. But on a pudding pop wicket at Shenley with 10 fielders I took my first 4 wicket haul in the UK. It was part of a 10 over spell with the opposition coming at me at times. Which might explain why I went for 59 runs, although 30 of those runs came in two overs.

It was a fairly handy come back. The result of the game was even better when we won with 1 ball to spare and I was preparing to go out to bat with jeans and a t shirt on after I had already showered and changed when it looked like we would win easy.

The best part of the day had to be the magic Andrew Strauss bat.

One thing I like about London cricket is that you are always playing with someone who has some sort of story about playing against Saqlain Mushtaq or knowing Graham Thorpe’s brother.

In this game we had an injured batsman come out. He played a sweep shot early on that just seemed so effortless as it went to the rope, but the noise was amazing. Two balls later he hit a cover drive even harder, and that is when the murmours started.

“He is using Andrew Strauss’ bat.”
“His mate plays Middlesex 2s”
“That is a proper test bat”.

It was being spoken about as if it was excalbiur.

Next over the guy hit me over my head and into some near by paddock and this was no longer a cricket bat, this was now a myth. Everyone who plays with or against this guy is going to talk about this bat. The sixes will get bigger, there will be stories about how he broke the fingers of cover fielders and how he miss hit sixes for fun.

One over I bowled to him went for only one run, a top edge that with another bat, a regular bat made of wood (not of hope and mythology) probably would have been caught. That over I tamed the beast, but in general, he just smacked the fuck out of the ball.

It was hard to know if he could bat, or whether knowing he had the bat of Andrew Strauss he was transformed into some sort of batting behemoth. Although, when I used Inzi’s bat, for one ball, I couldn’t get the ball through the field, but I did knock back a single.

I’d love to give the bat so a batting dunce just to see if the bat is the key, it certainly became the talk of the game.

Vs Wembley

This game was actually last week before the House of Commons one, but I put that one up first by accident.

What a shithouse game. I came home and whinged the whole way on twitter.

It wasn’t just that we lost, but that we gave it away, again, and I was fucking sore, again.

We bowled first and they had this slogger who tried to hit everything. He had some eye, but he hit everything in the air, so we dropped him 3 times. He was also one of those batsmen who thrived on negative attention, and no matter how much I told people not to give him any, they did, and he prospered. After he made his 60 odd, almost all from the end he was hitting with the wind with, we roped them back in.

But we never truly got on top. Their old West Indian, who I have mentioned before, went to work. This was the third time I’d played against him, and I’m still fucken yet to see him go out. He made another 60 odd not out and guided them to 233ish. I bowled ok, I got a stumping off a guy I floated one up to first ball he faced, he raced at it and tried to sweep. No idea why. Then I got a guy to play on with a wrong’un, which is always awesome. But I still couldn’t get the Old West Indian dude out, and you’d think I’d have worked him out by now. I thought I had him LB when I turned to appeal to their umpire who looked nervous, but he didn’t give it. He said it was going down leg, it wasn’t, but he may have hit it. Then I had him dropped when he was batting with 11. We had the field out and so I would bowl either very quick balls or very slow ones. Off one of the slow ones he tried to bash it over mid wicket, but hit it straight up and our captain, who I trust in the field, didn’t take it.

I can’t complain though, I dropped him at gully a few overs earlier when I was too close. I hadn’t fielded at gully in a while, and when he smashed a full cut shot at me there was not enough time to move and it just clipped the bottom of my fingers. Eventually we got them out.

Then we went out to bat and we didn’t collapse. In fact we were doing ok at 3/100 with two set batsmen in, but they both went out at once and our lower middle order which has looked pretty good fell apart. Myself included. For the second time this year I smashed my first ball against Wembley through the covers for four off a spinner. And for the second time I was out a few balls later on the same score. This time they had the field out on the fence so I thought I word just work them around for a while, so I got a flighted one and just walked past it. It was the first time in my life i’d been stumped off a spinner. And I use my feet a bit, although not as much as some. I just took my fucken eyes off it.

Then our normal number 11, who can bat, came in and did what I should have, he just pounded the spinner and got a 50 while we eneded up about 50 short. It was a good innings, but it also was a wake up that I shouldn’t be fucking around with dinky shots when my best shots are the ones i hit hard anyway.

So we lost, my knee was aching, my hamstring was sore, my fingers were bruised and I felt like like a cunt for my shot.

But my bowling really pissed me off. Yet again I was bowling well, was on top of most of their batsmen, and I still went for about 4 an over and didn’t get more than 2 wickets. Fit or not fit, I can do better than that, and it pisses me off I never do.

2/40 off 9 and 4 fucken runs.

Vs House of Commons/Lords

I played my second game for the Law Society this week. It could end up being my last game of the year if my hamstring doesn’t get better.

We bowled first in a declaration game, had I known it was a declaration game I might not have shown up. The House of Commons team lost one wicket early on, but then rode their luck and did some clever batting to get on top.

Not on top, on top. But they only lost one wicket, were scoring at about 6 an over before us spinners slowed them down, but we struggled to get the wickets and one of them went on to make a hundred while some others made 40s and 50s. The pitch was made for batting, even though it kept a bit low at times, and all we could do was restrict them, although we had one or two catchers in throughout almost the whole innings.

Being that it was a declaration game, we waited for the declaration. I think the guy made his century at about the 45 over mark, which was about half way through the day, but they kept batting, and batting. They sent out one hitter, he hit one straight down my throat at deep midwicket, but I had to do the whole boundary rope throw in the air thing and being that I had never done that before I just through the ball way too far away and saved 4 runs. Then he went out and they sent out a man in his 70s, at least, then the century maker went out, and they sent out their captain, former Conservative politician Nick Hawkins.

Perhaps because they told me he was a tory, perhaps because I couldn’t believe they had batted beyond 50s overs, I started to sledge him. I started with a rant about how he had no faith in his bowlers, moved onto how this was a 300 track, and then gave him a bit of stick for wanting a bat himself. He just played and missed 4 balls (playing out a wicket maiden). It was odd. I continued to chat as loud as I could, encouraging us to bowl them out as they might never declare. Clapping every play and miss like it was the first over. That sort of shit. We moved the field in with him missing the ball and the other guy looking older than life itself, and the next over he hit a 2 and a single and declared mid over. It was just weird. Apparently he thought they needed 280, I’m not sure how long they would have had to bat with these two at the crease to get that total, but they settled on 240 odd off 53. This meant we had about 35 overs to score this total, needing about 8 an over.

We went along at about 6 or 7 an over for a while, but we lost wickets as well. I came in at number 5, and i played some shots as I do. Yet again I hit my first ball through covers for four. It seems to be a habit I have now, I’d like it to stay forever, because even if you go out soon after you look like you can bat a bit. This time i did bat a bit, I hit a few pull shots for four, and a couple of drives and was seeing the ball pretty well.

Then they brought on a left arm finger spinner, and brought the field up. Now the obvious thing to do is hit him straight or over the leg side, both shots I have played a lot against left arm spinners over the years. But I didn’t do that, instead I wanted the opposition to know how much better than them I was. So I decided to open up and blast the ball through the offside. The first ball this meant bunting a full toss that should have been hit over the trees for six, into the covers for one. Next ball I faced it meant getting bowled.

I’d made 31 (off 20 balls – I do love it when a scorer counts balls). They were 31 of the easiest runs i’d made, the bowling average, the fielding poor, the captain putting himself on the long on boundary as you do when the other team need 8 an over and I had played one whole drive there.

From there we got some cheap runs off the other spinners, the guy who got me out ended up being their best bowler. But we lost our last big hitter who made 38 I think (at a slower rate than I did, this is important information for me). So we shut up shop for the last 10 overs 6 wickets down facing some very poor spin from one end, and good spin from the other.

We ended up about 160 odd off our 36 overs. It was such a shit ending to the game, but their Tory captain thought it was a hard fought draw, the rest of us had to be woken up.

Had he declared between the 45 and 48 over mark it could have been a good game. Instead it was a pointless game of cricket. This game did nothing to warm my feelings to the Conservative party.

31 runs & 6 overs for 17 runs.

Vs Coutts Bank

I played this game for the Wisden Cricketer, the world’s best smut magazine.

I turned up after having travel injections in my arms. My left arm wasn’t feeling too dandy. I batted at number 10 or 11 because of this, and went out there and played one effective shot, and one handed reverse sweep off the spinner.

It was dainty and perfect, and went for two to the longest boundary. That was the only ball I got near, and I was run out in the second last over when I and the other dude both called yes and no in the one run.

My bowling went pretty well, the ball came out pretty much how I wanted it too. I got a fair bit of bounce at times as my left arm wouldn’t go very high and my action fell over causing a few unintentional top spinners. I got a couple of wickets, was close to a couple more, but we hadn’t put many on the board, so I had to chase wickets hard. This mean bowling a very flighted ball last ball that ended up in someone’s garden.

We lost pretty easily in the end. Last year we beat them in two games because we beat them so easily the first time.

So I made 2, and took 2/18 off my 4 overs which included 2 sixes.

Because of this game (I suspect) and the shots, I couldn’t move my neck for a full week, meaning i missed a game for Barnes. Next time I won’t get shots on the same day I play cricket.

Vs Highgate

We arrived at Highgate late, as usual.

The other team were keen as mustard, but had to wait for our captain. Obviously they didn’t know about our casual start times. Eventually our captain arrived (bringing a small child as a fielder) won the toss and bowled. Being that I had also turned up late, I didn’t see the pitch, but on first look it didn’t seem too bad.

How to explain how their first 6 didn’t make double figures. There was good bowling from us, but their batsmen all looked good in what little we saw of each one of them. The pitch was ok, a bit low with the odd touch of inconsistent bounce, but nothing that would scare anyone. None of them seemed scared, they just seemed intent on going out, and there was even a run out. Ofcourse our team is utterly useless at closing out teams, so instead their captain and a slogger got together and started slapping us around.

I was brought on to get some above their eyes. My first over was rough, but I got away with it. Next over I was miss hit for six from a sweep, and I thought, time for some tricks. So I threw the ball up as high and slow as I could, and watched him play 7 shots before miss hitting it to point. Next ball I knew he would want to hit hard so I bowled a quicker one that was meant to be a Yorker. It didn’t york him, because he was playing up a line that the ball was a foot from. It was a handy wicket, as this guy had made 47.

From there I started really bowling good, and had one over where 5 balls were hit in their air in and around fielders. Then I had a dropped catch before getting their captain caught at point. And I was off the field. We were only chasing about 128, so I knew I wouldn’t need to bat.

I was listed at 8, and in a pissy little chase like this you don’t want to bat if you’re at 8. I was so confident I gave my gear to our number 4 and did some scoring. We got most of the runs while only losing 3 wickets, it was a cruise. They seemed to give it up after an over of legspin from their captain who bowled seam up earlier. We lost a wicket, and then the scores were tied, and we lost another.

I was borrowing gear from anyone I could, as the one batsman who wasn’t out was the guy with all mine. So I stride out there, 6 wickets down, scores tied. I was using a bat given to one of our players by Inzi, and first ball was given a nice juicy full toss, I punched it into the covers and called wait, the fielder fumbled it and rolled around for a second, in some situations I would have tried to take the run. But why risk a run out when we only need one run to win? I mean I’m batting with a guy who is well set, and there is plenty of time.

Had I known what was to come, I would have taken the run. First ball of the next over the well set batsman was bowled. Not even the greatness of using the hawk could keep him at the crease. Then there was a gap, as we had no one padded up, and then I small a very small kid coming down. The small kid that was there to make sure we had 11 in the field. He must have padded up quickest. He was about 12 and he bolted onto the field. I told him he was facing a left arm bowler who wasn’t too quick and for him to block out the over.

He was bowled first ball.

Now we were 8 down, scores still tied and coming in was a hard hitting rather unconventional Saffa. I thought we were fucked. I could just see myself not facing another ball as we lost all four wickets in this last over. Our number ten survived the hat trick ball, getting struck on the pad, I charged down the wicket as much as I can charge, but they had a leg slip and there was no run.

The next ball was edged, but inside edged and it went straight through the keeper and that was that. Somehow we had made this a real game when it never really looked like it would be. But we won.

I got myself a tidy 2/26 and a scintillating one ball 0*.

Oh and after the match, while my captain and I walked off the field laughing, we were almost hit by a ball that may or may not have been thrown deliberately at us. One of their players told us not to worry about it as the bloke was mental.

Vs Harrow

This game ends badly for us, not just a loss, but two players in hospital.

We lost too, which was shit.

The game was against Harrow who all turned up before us even though it was our home game. Our captain was late, because our captain is always late. When he did arrive the opposition captain told him our ground was a shit hole. It wasn’t, it was nice enough.

We bowled first, as we do. We got an early wicket, and then they got away with the same batsman who hit us lat year we played them. He only seems to have a couple of shots, and they are both in the air, but he either has luck when he plays us or he is in control of where he is hitting it. Eventually we got him out and a few others, but then some shit went down. Just before he went out he took out both of our opening bowlers. Both with straight drives, one on the toe and one on the finger. The finger guy quite clearly had to leave the field as his finger was pointing in an odd direction. The toe guy, our 8 for hero from a few weeks back, kept bowling for a while, but then went off the field looked at his toe and realised there wasn’t much left of it. He stayed on the field at first slip, but we really were down to 10 fielders and two bowlers.

I came on mid over to replace the wonky finger. First ball I got a bit of spin and beat the bat, so next ball I bowled a wrong’un that he left and bowled him. From there we got a few quick wickets and they were 6/120. It looked like the loss of quick bowlers wouldn’t matter. I had a quick 3 for, and was bowling well. They had a kid in who said he was 16, but he looked 8, and a South African tail ender who could biff and defend. The young kid then played one off the face of his bat into the keeper’s gloves. We all just accepted the wicket, but their umpire didn’t give it out. A few boys came the kid a go, I just asked the umpire why it wasn’t out. He said that this kid was honest and would have walked if he hit it. Later the kid told me he didn’t walk. I can’t complain, not only would I have not walked I would have goaded the opposition as well.

From there we just had one of those days you have when you are short of fielders, and the ones you have are injured or slow. It was shit to be out there. I bowled very well, but I didn’t care. I couldn’t get the breakthrough, balls keep dropping over the head of fielders or just before them. I dropped two catches, one off my bowling, one off the back of my hand that someone else caught. But it was just a long and shit time.

They eventually closed on 260, 9 down after our captain had come on and bowled one good slow medium delivery and half trackers, wides, beamers, and took 3 wickets. The same as I did. Bastard.

Then we batted, and I think we got bowled out for about 80. Shocking. Shithouse. Garbage. I went in at 8, I wasn’t too flash after my bowling, but I could hardly be bothered to be fair. So I slapped a couple and planned to slog until I missed one but didn’t even get a chance as the guy at the other end went out and this shithouse game was over.

Then I limped to the local train station with my shit hamstring.

4/42 off 12 and 5*